By David Melly
July 17, 2024
If the Euro Cup finals this weekend taught us anything, it’s that a lot of Americans who’ve never expressed any prior interest in soccer have very strong feelings about England and/or Spain, places an alarming percentage of our compatriots may struggle to locate on a map. Who knew! All these closet European football experts have done such a good job hiding their deep and abiding passion for the sport the other 51 weeks of the year. Surely they couldn’t just be fair-weather fans looking for an excuse to drink on a Sunday afternoon…
Whatever your reasoning, Euros offers a preview of an important part of the Olympic spectating experience: arbitrarily picking a person or team you’d never heard of, and passionately rooting for them with every fiber of your being. You’ll find yourself screaming at the television, fighting for your life in comment sections, and temporarily basing your entire mood on the success or failure of an athlete whose name you’ll likely forget by the time playoff baseball comes around.
In case you need inspiration for your latest sports obsession, here are some tips and tricks for selecting your New Favorite Athlete of Paris 2024:
Root for the coolest uniforms.
This is Team Liberia’s foolproof methodology for picking up fans. Based on the last few World Championships, the breezy, over-the-shoulder look is working. Jamaica’s team kits are pretty sick this year too… as if they needed any new fans. The simplest strategy is to just root for the team wearing your favorite color – that way, when you load up on overpriced gear you only wear once a year, it’ll at least be on-brand.
Learn to pronounce a name the NBC announcers will stumble over.
Your friend group of casuals is bound to be impressed when you’re able to flawlessly conjure the correct combination of syllables to inform them that you’re all-in on Pia Skrzyszowska, Tsigie Gebreselama, or Agathe Guillemot. And they won’t believe you at first when you tell them that “Jakob” is pronounced exactly like “Jacob” and the “e” in “Kipchoge” is silent – but you’re right, and the commentators are wrong. If you’re going to do the work to actually learn how to correctly say every competitor’s name, you deserve the satisfaction of condescendingly correcting your friends every time they’re on screen.
Cheer for someone really old or really young.
NBC loves to shout out the latest high school phenom or the mom of seven giving it one last go – so why shouldn’t you? Most people outside of New Jersey first heard of Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone when she made the Rio Olympic team at age 16 and look where she is now – promoting Neutrogena! So when high school phenom Quincy Wilson runs the 4x400m prelims or 42-year-old Ser-Od Bat-Ochir runs his sixth(!) Olympic marathon for Mongolia, show them a little extra love for their bell-curve-breaking feats.
16-year-old Quincy Wilson will race in the 4×400m prelims at the Paris Olympics after placing 6th at the U.S. Trials. (Photo by Kevin Morris / @Kevmofoto)
Root for the person with the best shot to beat someone you really hate.
The enemy of my enemy, right? If for some reason, Karsten Warholm really pisses you off, Rai Benjamin is your man. Or if you just can’t stomach the thought of Faith Kipyegon picking up a third straight Olympic gold, get on board the Jessica Hull train. Maybe you have a years-long beef with the athlete who beat you at the District C Middle School All-Star meet, or maybe your hates are just as arbitrary as your loves. Whatever fuels your flames, you just might find yourself with a new fave by transitive property.
Employ the “same-name” rule.
It’s a universal law in sports that you are morally obligated to cheer for anyone who shares your first or last name. If you’ve got a rare one, even better – the Rhasidats of the world need to stick together! If you’re an Emily, you’re in luck – you can practically claim half of Team USA. Emmanuels are going to have to choose between Cameroon’s Emmanuel Eseme and Liberia’s Emmanuel Matadi in the 100m – let’s hope they’re not in the same heats until the final. Those with the surname Johnson or Thompson will each have four athletes to cheer for – and the two families can come together in support of Katarina Johnson-Thompson in the heptathlon.
However you get there, the most important rule is that, when challenged, indignantly insist that you’ve always supported the athlete you looked up minutes before the broadcast began. Happy cheering!
David Melly
David began contributing to CITIUS in 2018, and quickly cemented himself as an integral part of the team thanks to his quick wit, hot takes, undying love for the sport and willingness to get yelled at online.
